![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bellchroniclesI'm working through some (mope-ful) feelings about creation vs. being noticed. Click if you want to follow along (there's nothing new here, but gotta feel this stuff out for the umpteenth time).
I keep revisiting the question: why am I drawing/coloring?
There're lots of answers.
- i love the pretty things i sometimes create
- once i get drawn into the process, it is very relaxing
- hopes of someday expressing my stories & feelings through visual means
- TEH FAME
That last one aside, those are pretty good reasons, I think. (And even "TEH FAME" is valid, just. Gotta realize it's not realistic!) But there must be more because I'm still feeling... kind of lonely about art-ing. I don't expect comments-- I train myself to not want them-- but I still hope for them. It's disappointing to be met with silence. So maybe there's another reason?
- connecting with people
Yes. I think that's it. Not fame; from my limited experiences of wider exposure I know that it brings weird, frustrating pressures because then there's all these people thinking things about me that I don't know about and I can't talk it out with all of them. That's also alienating, in its own way.
But I do want to touch, reach out, in some way. Wanna know something I've created resonates with others. I want art as a communication, a mutual dialog.
I have to earn that. I can't demand it.
I just don't know how to earn it? I thought maybe getting better is the answer, and I still think it must be, but there's "better" and "resonates with people", and maybe my brand of better doesn't coincide with the resonating. I probably also gotta work it on a social level; talk to the right people, post in the right places and way. It's true for blogging, I imagine it's true for art! It feels so manipulative, but if that's the name of the game....? But that also feels more like a TEH FAME approach than communication....
In terms of concrete projects, December and January are seeming like calmer periods for me. I'm mentally slotting them as a time in which to draw a comic (I think I've posted about the idea here before!). 10-30 pages. Watercolor? I have part of the script. Think I'll ask R. to rent a bicycle with me one day so that he can photograh me and I can use those as reference shots. :) (I feel weird about using me as the reference, but I don't have any girl friends here I feel close enough to ask for that favor...! And it can't be R. because he's a boy. :P) This morning I developed a possible design for the main/only character; I'd thought the teardrop-shaped face would be for another work I have in mind, but surely I can repeat designs :D? :D?? Anyway. I'm glad to have goals/plans. If nothing else, it'll contribute towards the other reasons for creating (expression, making teh pretties, losing myself in a loved activity). Goals are like little arrow signs, and I do love having a path to follow.
(I feel massively weird about posting something this raw and personal! Particularly out of flock! >__< Easier to stay silent and pretend to a cool, smooth, perfect exterior with no dents in my armor. So why post--? To make contact. Can't reach out with silence.)
Argh! I should go back to TCC'ing. :O
I keep revisiting the question: why am I drawing/coloring?
There're lots of answers.
- i love the pretty things i sometimes create
- once i get drawn into the process, it is very relaxing
- hopes of someday expressing my stories & feelings through visual means
- TEH FAME
That last one aside, those are pretty good reasons, I think. (And even "TEH FAME" is valid, just. Gotta realize it's not realistic!) But there must be more because I'm still feeling... kind of lonely about art-ing. I don't expect comments-- I train myself to not want them-- but I still hope for them. It's disappointing to be met with silence. So maybe there's another reason?
- connecting with people
Yes. I think that's it. Not fame; from my limited experiences of wider exposure I know that it brings weird, frustrating pressures because then there's all these people thinking things about me that I don't know about and I can't talk it out with all of them. That's also alienating, in its own way.
But I do want to touch, reach out, in some way. Wanna know something I've created resonates with others. I want art as a communication, a mutual dialog.
I have to earn that. I can't demand it.
I just don't know how to earn it? I thought maybe getting better is the answer, and I still think it must be, but there's "better" and "resonates with people", and maybe my brand of better doesn't coincide with the resonating. I probably also gotta work it on a social level; talk to the right people, post in the right places and way. It's true for blogging, I imagine it's true for art! It feels so manipulative, but if that's the name of the game....? But that also feels more like a TEH FAME approach than communication....
In terms of concrete projects, December and January are seeming like calmer periods for me. I'm mentally slotting them as a time in which to draw a comic (I think I've posted about the idea here before!). 10-30 pages. Watercolor? I have part of the script. Think I'll ask R. to rent a bicycle with me one day so that he can photograh me and I can use those as reference shots. :) (I feel weird about using me as the reference, but I don't have any girl friends here I feel close enough to ask for that favor...! And it can't be R. because he's a boy. :P) This morning I developed a possible design for the main/only character; I'd thought the teardrop-shaped face would be for another work I have in mind, but surely I can repeat designs :D? :D?? Anyway. I'm glad to have goals/plans. If nothing else, it'll contribute towards the other reasons for creating (expression, making teh pretties, losing myself in a loved activity). Goals are like little arrow signs, and I do love having a path to follow.
(I feel massively weird about posting something this raw and personal! Particularly out of flock! >__< Easier to stay silent and pretend to a cool, smooth, perfect exterior with no dents in my armor. So why post--? To make contact. Can't reach out with silence.)
Argh! I should go back to TCC'ing. :O
